As most of you know, my Mom was in and out of the hospital at this time last year. Her pain, terrible. Her diagnosis, undetermined for more than a month. Then, the word so many dread to hear, C-A-N-C-E-R. An inoperable, metastasized stage 4 cancer. Due to her rheumatoid arthritis (RA), her white blood counts were always elevated. We also learned that cancer and arthritis look very similar on scans, it's only with biopsy that you can determine the difference. Sadly, my mom's RA has been bad for years so it was "too late" to slow or stop the cancer by the time her team of doctors realized it was cancer creating havoc in her system, not RA. We learned a lot last summer.
We've always been the family choosing to make memories and live in the moment because after Heidi's kidnapping, we understood all too well that tomorrow, or even an hour from now, are not guaranteed. My attention and desire to blog or write dwindled last summer, something I do not regret. It was an honor to join my Dad to care for Mom. We never expected she'd pass so quickly, leaving us on Heidi's birthday, September 14th, 2015. On this day I lost more than my mom, a great friend, and role model...I lost my inspiration and motivation to write.
Another area I've neglected is my spiritual health. My morning and daily time with God has been sporadic, to say the least. I could probably say "neglected" and this would be a better definition. After Heidi disappeared I was angry with God and blamed Him so I purposely ignored any relationship or church attendance. This time, it has been less intentional, and is NOT fueled by anger. Instead, I've let the busyness of life distract me 24/7.
I'll let you in on another secret, I can't spend daily time with God when my house is a mess or in disarray. How foolish is this? I can't devote attention to God or anything important or serious when surrounded by chaos. Our house hasn't been a home, it's been a dumping ground and landing spot. Can you relate to this? A major goal for my summer vacation is to #RegainControl. I know the time with God is NEEDED so in order to do this, I must FIRST find and reestablish our home, so it isn't just a house. Does this make sense?
I hope you are still reading and haven't written me off as one of those hypocrite Christians because the fact is this, to be a Christian means I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. It means I acknowledge I'm a sinner and strive to eliminate the sin in my life. It means I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later, and is in heaven preparing an Eternal home for me (and you). I believe and accept there is a God and one day I'll be in heaven.
To be a Christian doesn't mean we are perfect or that we don't struggle, on the contrary, we suffer and move through life, just like everyone else. The difference is that we understand and KNOW we aren't alone, regardless of how we might FEEL at the moment. Although I haven't sat down daily for my quiet time and coffee with God, my praises, thanksgiving, and prayers continued. I didn't forget to look up or to express my true feelings, God knows what I'm really thinking anyway.
I don't know why I had to lose my Mom but I know I'm not the first person to experience this. I get frustrated to think she had to take her last breath not knowing where Heidi is but instead of letting this frustration develop into anger and hatred, I choose to pray and seek peace. Franklin Covey reminds us to focus on our "circle of control". I couldn't control my Mom's cancer, illness, or death BUT I can choose to share joy, hope, and encouragement with those in my "circle of influence".
So this morning, after a 3 1/2 mile walk and a very long blog, I want to introduce myself. My name is Lisa Buske - daughter, wife, mother, sister, niece, aunt, friend, educator, author, speaker, and most importantly...a child of God. Today, with the Good Book in hand, I vow to #RegainControl in all I say, think, and do...starting with transforming our house back into a home.
Thank you for following