NOTE: This blog was written to post on September 12, 2015, two days before my Mother's passing. As I went through my draft folder I happened upon it. I'm thankful for each of you and the way God uses others to lift us up and the way He reminds us how how He answers prayer. Evidence that journaling and blogging have benefits ~ we can look back and see how God worked in a situation. So, more than a month later, read on.
I woke up before the sun this morning with thanksgiving in my heart. In the midst of these last moments and days with my Mom, there are many blessings.
Choosing to focus on the good..."
~ My first post to Facebook this morning ~
Feelings of gratefulness and seeing the good only hours prior was replaced with the pain of losing my mom, and my friend. I was a poor reflection of God's love and as the devil has it, he leaped in and went for the juggler, if you will. I deserved the return of yuck and as I work through this all...I think of a verse from Proverbs, "Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword, but the speech of the wise is a healing balm." Proverbs 12:18 VOICE
The words I uttered first, (I admit I was first) cut deeply and the interchange thereafter only worsened. The words I received cut deeply also. I thought about not sharing, but thus far, I've kept it real here on the blog so I'm sharing yet another imperfection of mine.
I hesitated to share here but what if, someone like you, needs to know it's okay to fall apart? What if I'm not the only one weak and broken? What if you are reading this and tears trickle down your cheek because you remember a moment like this? What if I continue to not blog or share...am I still doing what God called me to do?
Over the past weeks I've let hurts build and fester in my heart. When I did share how something hurt me, I was told there was no reason to be hurt. Again today, the same reminder cut at me. One thing I've learned over the years, if I, or anyone feels hurt...it's our hurt to feel. Whether it be the result of miscommunication, over sensitivity, or exclusion...our feelings are ours and they are real.
I don't deserve your good thoughts or prayers, I'm a vindictive and hypocritical Christian...I've let death, dying, and loss overcome me - I've let many down through my words, thoughts, and actions - I need a do over yet don't deserve it."
~ My Facebook post 2 hours later ~
I don't deserve any of it, especially after my little pity-party/meltdown BUT this is the coolest part...God is merciful and gracious. None of us deserve His mercy and grace yet He showers us with it every day, we need only open our hearts, eyes, and lives to receive.
Look at the mercy He showered on me during this rainy day, here are some of the comments people left for me as encouragement:
- "That's the true amazingness of being a Christian- we don't deserve anything and can't do anything on our own, but Christ covers us."
- "Don't be so hard on yourself.. Being Christian does not mean you need to be perfect. None of us are. Only one who is is Jesus. The rest of us are only human."
- "Hebrews 4:16 ~ Let us then with *confidence* draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
- "Oh, the beauty of the cross & God's grace!! Ps 51:10: Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
- "Jesus died to save us ALL from such thinking! When we fall short (AS ALL OF US DO) that has NOTHING to do with JESUS' performance of his life, crucifixion and resurrection. ALL of us are hypocritical Christians but ALL of us have been pardoned by the blood of Jesus Christ. I know this is easy for me to say yet it seems impossible to be free from your regrets -- at least it seems impossible for me to release my own regrets. Anyway, HE died for us to be able to live life free from guilt and regrets. I think it's just our emotions that get out of control and depress us. GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD and NEVER CHANGES - but of course YOU know all these things. GOD BLESS YOU!"