Less than twenty-four hours since I received the message to let me know of a big announcement that related to an old Oswego County cold case. My first instinct, "Call Mom and Dad" then the waiting intensifies with each second.
The rational side of my brain tells me, "Lisa, if it was Heidi or they even thought there was a possiblity Sheriff Todd would have called your parents."
The emotional side who seems to buy into the world's lies and deception each time thought, "What if this is the one? What if when I go to bed tomorrow night I will know where Heidi's body has been the past eighteen years? Could this be the announcement we have waited for?"
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
II Timothy 1:7
Thank goodness God loves us enough to comfort us when life seems to consume us. My husband, daughter, and I went to my parent's house last night to watch the eleven o'clock news. We wanted to be together when this big news release was revealed. We watched in disbelief. The rational side started to doubt the integrity and concern of the Sheriff and his team in spite of our prior experiences. Why did I let a two-minute news clip showing scenes of the first days and year after Heidi's disappearance toss the wonderful, honorable, and faithful character of Sheriff Todd? I pray he will forgive my loss of judgement last night.
I wish I could tell you I watched this sensationalized piece of journalism, disregarded it, and trusted what I knew to be true in the past but I didn't. Instead I returned home unable to process a thought or form a sentence. I cried so hard my stomach hurt and my eyes burned. I slept twenty minutes on and off all night with the television on the channel that reported this story so if I heard Heidi's name during the night or when the news started in the morning I would not miss anything. Every twenty minutes I awoke to check the news, my Facebook, and email in case someone contacted me with new information. A restless night of sleep would be an understatement.
This morning the alarm woke me and the first thing I see on the television is the horrific scene in Colorado. The tears returned. Partically due to the lack of an update on Heidi's case but mainly because of my own selfishness. I am focused on my sister and her discovery as the news focuses on the tragic deaths of innocent movie goers. What kind of person am I?
Of course I didn't know of this horror until this moment but it was enough to snap me out of my selfish focus. I cried for the lives lost in Colorado. I cried for the famlies who were still learning of their loved one's murder while enjoying quality family time. I cried for the youth who may have lost their lives.
I cried until there were no more tears. Grief consumed me. Grief, guilt, and the unknown can be a scary and deadly combination. I had a choice to make. I tried to make coffee but couldn't even steady my hand to scoop the coffee in so I poured some of yesterday morning's coffeee in my mug and warmed it in the microwave. Good enough.
As I watched the microwave timer descend from three minutes I prayed. Lord I spent years in this spiral downward. I do no want to nor do I plan to spend another day, hour, minute, or year living in the darkness of grief and doubt. Lord, I need Your strength. I cannot do this on my own. Only with you by my side and holding me up will I survive this day. Thank you in advance for the way you will work today. I pray for whatever family receives news today. May we all lean on you and know your timing is perfect. I trust you. In Your name I give You this day and all my pain. If it is our family or another transitioning to the next step of this journey, I pray we accept it with grace. May you be glorified through the discovery and hearts strengthened and united. Thank you Jesus.
It was not Heidi's body they found or were even discussing. As I prayed for God's strength, Sheriff Todd was on the phone with my parents to let them know it was not Heidi. He apologized for the evening and night we endured because of the false news teasers and then the false story that aired. He expressed concern for our emotional state with repeated empathy. I pray this wonderful man can forgive this emotional girl for ever doubting him.
Fact is, it was a cold case from 1984. If you would like more information about this case and the discovery - click on the top photo or copy and paste the below link.
Please remember to pray for all the families and communities affected by the Colorado murders. Pray for the family of Nancy Jo Scamurra as they absorb the new information they have received of their precious loved one's kidnapping and horrific death. The greatest thing we can do is PRAY FIRST. Prayer is one way we communicate with God and can help each other.
A very BIG AND SPECIAL THANK YOU to each of you for your support since yesterday. Our family has been covered in prayer for strength, answers, and hope. It is only with God's strength I get through each day. Before I prayed this morning I planned to cancel our plans and return to bed but in His strength and through your prayers, phone calls, emails, Facebook messages and posts, and blog comments ~ we had a fabulous and fun day. Thank you so much! I pray you each know how valuable and precious you are to us. You are blessings and God used each of you to bring us the comfort and strength we needed.
"Find rest, O my soul,
in God alone;
my hope comes from him."
Lisa M Buske
P.O. Box 323