Twenty Years Later...It's Application Time

Excerpt: Where's Heidi? One Sister's Journey Lisa M Buske

"The warm spring breeze refreshes Ed and I as we walk the mile plus to attend the vigil. We held hands with moments of silence and intermittent conversation.

“Ed, I never thought we would still be looking and praying for Heidi to be found a month later. I kept praying this was all a mistake, knowing it isn’t but hoping…dreaming.” tears trickle down my cheeks.

“I know. This has been the longest month of my life.” He releases his hand and wraps his arm around me.

“Do you think anyone will be at the vigil? It’s been so long, will the community still remember Heidi?” Lord, let there be people there. Please don’t let them forget Heidi.

“Lisa, I hear the music. We need to walk faster.”

“Okay.”

My Mom opens the vigil, “Thank you for coming. We never thought…” How does she do it? Mom is so strong. I am happy to blend in with the crowd tonight yet she remains a constant example of strength and hope...

...skip ahead in the chapter...

“I’m out of here! This is my last vigil! First He takes Heidi and now He won’t even have someone pray for me. I hate Him.” My face red with anger and my voice getting louder, I start to walk home.

I left the vigil bitter and hurt. Excluded and separated from my parents and sister once again. I spewed the entire way home. Thank goodness no one came with me as a projectile emotional vomit to God left my mouth and heart the entire mile back home. I don’t want anything to do with God. I not only walked away from my family and the community that day, I turned my back and walked away from God..."

Today is different. Do you know what this difference is, well one of them anyway? 

It's not losing my sister to abduction, she's still missing. 

Instead of lonely and surrounded by a multitude of caring people, 
I'm alone and comforted by seven times seventy. 

In 1994, I ran as far, as fast, and privately as possibly...away from God.

Today, my choice of isolation isn't due to avoidance.  In order to keep my eyes, mind, and heart focused on the One who never left me when I ran in the opposite direction twenty years ago, I'm taking the necessary time to process and work through all that is happening. 

It took a couple decades but one valuable lesson I've learned, no one expects my parents, or me to have it "together". This was my greatest misconception. On the flip side, you don't need to witness the full impact either. So to keep this blog and journey as honest and real, as the blog has been since 2010. With much prayer and strength, my goal is to continue to post daily. You all hurt and wait, just like we, the family are. In God's strength and love...

I will not run away.
I will not live in fear.
I will not give up.
I'm a survivor...

Heidi remains missing and recent developments may or may not change this.

One thing remains true and constant and unchanging...God. This I know and trust.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."
Hebrews 13:8

No one knows what information or scenarios will play out in the days, weeks, and months to come BUT every step of the way...I'm resting in the shadow of His wings while we wait.

Waiting is something I know, Another lesson I've learned, there is no sense worrying about the unknown.

The delivery to our family, Heidi's friends, and the community was abrupt, blindsiding us all. A reporter on the steps for a "courtesy" visit ten minutes before going live on the Internet wasn't enough time. But, as I've thought about it, to wait longer probably would have created more anxiety as we waited for the "what" of his story. 

We are sorry you had to, and are, enduring the pain, grief, and loss felt when we first lost Heidi alongside us. Yet, your encouragement and outpouring is a reminder of why we love our community so much, Heidi will always be remembered. She isn't just a case number, she is a beloved member of my family, your family, your circle of friends, your neighbor, and God's precious daughter.

We couldn't control the way we received this news on Thursday, BUT WE CAN control our response. So rather than panic and get upset, it's one more thing to wait for. One thing I know, we all are stronger than we give ourselves credit for, we've waited twenty plus years - so to wait a few days to see what the public defender files is possible.

Thank you for understanding my silence, I'm not hiding like I did the first time - I'm simply trying to run TO God first and avoid getting involved in conversations that could unintentionally cause hurt feelings or prevent others from discussing the hottest topic of conversation in our neck of the woods for the time being. 

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Thank you all...we are blessed to have you praying, encouraging, and supporting Heidi, her family, friends, and community. 

From us to you - we're praying for you too. We know we're not alone, may this make us all stronger and BRING HEIDI HOME!