NOTE: This blog was written to post on September 12, 2015, two days before my Mother's passing. As I went through my draft folder I happened upon it. I'm thankful for each of you and the way God uses others to lift us up and the way He reminds us how how He answers prayer. Evidence that journaling and blogging have benefits ~ we can look back and see how God worked in a situation. So, more than a month later, read on.
I woke up before the sun this morning with thanksgiving in my heart. In the midst of these last moments and days with my Mom, there are many blessings.
How does one go from waking encouraged and loved to "vindictive and angry" in a moments notice? I don't know but this girl is the queen - hurt, grieved, and tired...In addition, two hours after my initial post, I didn't reflect God, instead I spewed the hurt I felt through my words, and this hurt others.
Feelings of gratefulness and seeing the good only hours prior was replaced with the pain of losing my mom, and my friend. I was a poor reflection of God's love and as the devil has it, he leaped in and went for the juggler, if you will. I deserved the return of yuck and as I work through this all...I think of a verse from Proverbs, "Thoughtless words cut deeply like a thrusting sword, but the speech of the wise is a healing balm." Proverbs 12:18 VOICE
The words I uttered first, (I admit I was first) cut deeply and the interchange thereafter only worsened. The words I received cut deeply also. I thought about not sharing, but thus far, I've kept it real here on the blog so I'm sharing yet another imperfection of mine.
I hesitated to share here but what if, someone like you, needs to know it's okay to fall apart? What if I'm not the only one weak and broken? What if you are reading this and tears trickle down your cheek because you remember a moment like this? What if I continue to not blog or share...am I still doing what God called me to do?
Over the past weeks I've let hurts build and fester in my heart. When I did share how something hurt me, I was told there was no reason to be hurt. Again today, the same reminder cut at me. One thing I've learned over the years, if I, or anyone feels hurt...it's our hurt to feel. Whether it be the result of miscommunication, over sensitivity, or exclusion...our feelings are ours and they are real.
I don't deserve your good thoughts or prayers, I'm a vindictive and hypocritical Christian...I've let death, dying, and loss overcome me - I've let many down through my words, thoughts, and actions - I need a do over yet don't deserve it."
Do you know what I got in response to this demeaning, depressing, and moment of weakness? Not a single person on Facebook criticized or ridiculed me, instead, I was showered with love, mercy, grace, compassion, empathy, and evidence of God's working in my life.
I don't deserve any of it, especially after my little pity-party/meltdown BUT this is the coolest part...God is merciful and gracious. None of us deserve His mercy and grace yet He showers us with it every day, we need only open our hearts, eyes, and lives to receive.
Look at the mercy He showered on me during this rainy day, here are some of the comments people left for me as encouragement:
Lisa M Buske
P.O. Box 323